A Difficult Time in Your Life – 100 Day Blog Challenge – Day 57

A Difficult Time

I’ve been sitting here for what feels like an enternity (but is probably about 20 minutes,) figuring out how to start this blog post.  It’s fairly simple – I know the difficult time in my life, but it’s a matter of how to talk about it.  It’s ben just over a yer since my Dad passed, and it’s still a bit surreal.

We didn’t have your typical father-daughter relationship.  In fact, it really wasn’t.  There are some things that I learned from him and that have carried over into my life as a parent, but I never felt like “Daddy’s Little Girl.”  What can you do, right?  It’s who he was, and regardless of certain things in the past, he is half the reason I am alive today.

Two years ago this month, my Dad suffered what we came to realize was a stroke, while on the way to work.  He was smart enough to pull over when he realized he couldn’t swallow.  He was admitted to the local hospital and things went downhill.  He ended up in ICU and was there for about 6-8 weeks.  When he went home, it was my Mom and brother who took care of him.  Fast forward to almost a year later – he seemed to be progressing, but on May 16, I believe he was at peace and wanted to move on.  This is what I keep telling myself, just because knowing who he was and the type of person he was, not being able to work and provide for his family had to have been a major blow.

Growing up, we think our parents are invincible and will live forever.  When both my grandmothers died, it was the beginning of me experiencing death, and I really didn’t like it; I don’t like it now.  I understand death is a part of living, but I tend to be a little selfish in this area.  I think I ‘m rambling right now.  Some days are better than others; sometimes I just have no idea what or how to feel.  I’ve been able to turn to some friends who have been through similar situations of losing a parent, and it’s hard to explain to those who haven’t gone through it.  

As a parent, it is my hope that as my kids get older…I hope and pray that my kids will know how much I love them and everything I do is to provide the best life for them.  I’m really rambling now, and I’m not even sure I’m still discussing the topic.

Some days are better than others…

Put to the Test – 100 Day Blog Challenge Day 17

I am being tested today, and there’s 2 1/2 hours left on this day.  It looks as if my laptop is on the fritz ( thank goodness I backed up my files) and I’m blogging from my phone.  My typing skills are being tested on my trusty Samsung S III, although this is NOT what my intention ever was with my phone.  So far, so good, but it’s a challenge.  After all, I said one blog a day for 100 days, and that’s the goal.
Today is my Dad’s Birthday.   He would have been 64 today and tomorrow will be 11 months since his death.   It’s still a bit unreal for me and needless to say, my emotions are all over the place. 
I’ve been a bear towards my kids and I should be up for WORST Mother of the Year.  My goodness,  they’re kids and I’m taking things out on them when I shouldn’t be.
This morning, I looked outside my window and was greeted to the sight of dog poop.  This was the winter from HELL, but now that the snow has melted, HOLY CRAP!!!  I’ve been here for almost 11 years and I don’t think I was prepared for such a sight.   The city girl in me definitely showed up.  Geared up for the event, and headed into no-man’s land.  Isaac helped as well and he was having a BLAST.  Me?  Not so much.
HOLY CRAP!!!  I felt like I was literally knee-deep in s#!t!!! When I started, I was cursing like a sailor.  Goodness gracious,  I’ve never seen so much.  Add to the fact my emotions were all tired over the place didn’t make a great combo.  But, we got most of it done today.   There’s about 10% left.
Looking back on it now, it wasn’t THAT big a deal.  Now, it’s kinda funny.   But, we got it done.
So, here I am, sitting on my couch, reflecting on the day, and I think it culminates from a pool of emotions that has been building.   This truly sucks and there really like s no other way to describe it.  I was hoping it wouldn’t take over and I’ve been told that some days will be better than others.  But, dang, when  it takes over,  it’s not fun.  
I just need to recognize it,  let it happen,  then move on. 
I have been put to the test today.  And I think I survived. 
Tomorrow is another day.

Living on Borrowed Time

On Thursday, May 16, 2013 at 12:46am, my Dad passed away.  He was 63 years old.  First, my brother called and left a message (I fell asleep and didn’t hear the phone,) then at 4:07am (my time,) I heard the news from my Mom.  I felt numb when I heard the news.  I thought maybe I heard wrong, because there’s no way my Dad could be dead  Growing up, you have this belief, or at least I did, that our parents were immortal.  They were the ONLY people on Earth who would live forever.  Am I the only one who thought this as a kid?  As an adult?  It just didn’t make sense. 

I guess I should start from the beginning.  On May 24, 2012, our lives changed forever.  My Dad was working, tried to take a drink of water and couldn’t swallow.  He pulled over, called 911 and was taken to the hospital.  What turned out to be a small concern ended up being a stroke.  He was in the hospital for about 6 weeks and it was a whirlwind of events.   My parents and brother live in NY, I live in Canada with my family and I wasn’t able to be there to help.  You can’t imagine the level of guilt that I felt every day.  I realize that it’s not my fault, but, I wanted to be there and couldn’t.  Nothing that anyone will say will take away that guilt.  Anyhow, despite a few setbacks, he was improving and getting back to his normal self.  Just 5 days prior, the boys and I saw him on Skype and he looked really good.  There’s got to be more to all this, because it really doesn’t make sense.  Hopefully we’ll get some answers very soon.

I went home to NY to be with my Mom and brother and we have been going through his affairs.  It’s quite the toll, let me tell you.  This was an experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  The entire ordeal of the whole thing is a lot of work.  Be sure you are prepared mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.  It’s really important to make sure all your “i”s are dotted and “t”s are crossed.

I saw my Dad and said my goodbyes.  I had my closure and told him what I needed to say.  Hopefully he is at peace and perhaps he heard what I said.  I really do hope that he is at peace.  I think the stroke and being immobilized was too much for him, especially since he was such a vibrant, active, hard-working man.  This pretty much stopped him in his tracks.  But, I’m not sure.  He looked good, almost restful.

Aside from my maternal and paternal grandmother’s passing, this is the third death I’ve experienced and it’s given me a huge wake up call that we are all living on borrowed time.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to us; nothing is promised to us really, except life and death.  It’s what we do in between the two that really matters.

These past 2 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least.  Some things were revealed that I thought only happened in the movies and has really opened my eyes to how I live my life and how I will live my life from now on.  I’ve often heard that you go through a metamorphosis when someone close to you dies, and I believe that to be true.  I do know this…no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and we are not going to make everyone happy.  That’s not why we are here.  If you’re living your life trying to make everyone else happy, you’re going to be miserable.  If you’re living your life as if you are invincible, you’re in for a huge reality check.  If you’re living your life as if you are God’s gift to the world, let me be the one to burst your bubble and tell you, “No, you’re not!!!  Get that chip off your shoulder and be decent.  You put your pants on the same as everyone else, you bleed just like everyone else.  Get over yourself.” 

It was great seeing my Mom, Brother, family and some of my friends that I was able to see while I was back in NY for the week.  Right now, I’m sitting at the gate in Toronto waiting on my last leg home to PEI.  My Mom is worried that I might breakdown when I get back.  I don’t think I will, but the reality hasn’t set in for me yet.  I haven’t cried much, but did get emotional last week.  Does it mean I don’t miss him?  Who knows.  Am I in denial?  I don’t think so – I saw him and he’s really dead.  I’ll be home soon, and I can’t wait to see my boys and give them all great big hugs and kisses – all 4 of them!!!

I’m not one to give advice, but, here’s what I do know – if you’ve been meaning to contact someone, pick up the phone and call them.  If you’ve done someone wrong, apologize.  If you’re hurt, tell someone.  Do right by others; do right by yourself and don’t be a know-it-all.  Be decent; be genuine; be yourself.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to us.  We really are on borrowed time.